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lost_andwandering
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Name: Jessi
Interests: I luffs teh loter. (For you stupid people out there, no offense stupid people, I love LotR.) I like slashy goodness of all kinds. I <3 Shakespeare. Arthurian myth rocks socks, I read way too much Fanfiction, I love hanging out with the awesome people that we refer to as "The Mob", Obsessing over completely random things, saying completely random things at completely inappropriate times... Reading anything and everything (including shampoo ingredients when I'm in the shower) and writing stuff. I heart too many actors to list, so I'ma say LotR guys. Not ALL of them, psychos. That's just creepy. I'm done. JACK AND CHAHLIE, Y'ALL.
Oh, and Fight Club.
Yes, I am going through and adding that to all my intrest/etc lists, have you got a problem with that?
Expertise: I can read yo' FUTURE. In yo' HAND. Ohyeah. *cough* Also, I can SLASH YOUR FACE OFF. With my m4d 5l45h1n9 5k1ll2. Ahem. Aaaaanywho.
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Hey kid. Yawanna papercrane?
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Onaniel
Member Since:
6/2/2004
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| i want to be with you because i want to be what you come home to. always.
i want to be with you because you don't promise me things, you high-five-to-pinky-swear.
i want to be with you because you understand that noodles are a whole meal. maybe some thyme.
i want to be with you because our bodies fit together like one thing cut in two.
i want to be with you because your smile still gives me butterflies.
i want to be with you because when you read that, you started singing lemuria in your head, and you know i did, too.
i want to be with you because i want to keep learning what goes on in your head.
i want to be with you because i want you to know what goes on in mine. even if you'd rather not.
i want to be with you because we already have our dinnerware picked out, the shiny black, maybe with some red.
i want to be with you because when i think about either of us with anybody else my body panics and goes into fight-or-flight.
i want to be with you because we're max and penny soon-to-be-stone, and we're just starting out with our modest apartment, and we're here to try out couches?
i want to be with you because i can't wait until our modest apartment, and because i know our couch will be magnificent.
i want to be with you because you're a classy motherfucker and you smoke cigars, but you still don't tease me for the girly things i smoke.
i want to be with you because we both know you like the girly smokables, too.
i want to be with you because you get my jokes before i even make them.
i want to be with you because you can't spell and i'm your favourite spellcheck.
i want to be with you because i never want to miss the look that moves across your face when you come.
i want to be with you because you gave me a mood ring. and another. even though now it turns my finger green.
i want to be with you because you think i look like aphrodite.
i want to be with you because when we're middle-aged and middle-classed and you're a snarky computer tech and i'm a jaded commercial artist, we can still dance around the kitchen and make rice for breakfast.
i want to be with you because i don't want to fall asleep without you.
i want to be with you because i can hear your heartbeat.
i want to be with you because you give the best massages.
i want to be with you because we have mutually assured tickle destruction.
i want to be with you because you are the only person ever who can look so sad and guilty about accidentally hurting me that i apologize to you, too.
i want to be with you because we're going to have the coolest cats ever.
i want to be with you because you write the best pick-up lines ever, hands down.
i want to be with you because you can quote movies you haven't even seen.
i want to be with you because i quote you just as much, and nobody even notices.
i want to be with you because you hold onto all my best memories.
i want to be with you because you know exactly how to take care of me, even at my worst.
i want to be with you because i want to take care of you, even at your worst.
i want to be with you because the thought of you, far away and feeling like shit, with nobody to hold you or put cool hands on your forehead, kills me. i can't stand it.
i want to be with you because i adore your hands, and they snap into place laced with mine.
i want to be with you because i'm madly, deeply, wickedly, stupidly, awesomely, blindingly, dizzyingly, serenely in love with you.
i want to be with you because you are my best friend in the world.
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| what the goddamned motherfucking hell is this
i can't possibly be about to leave
i am so very the opposite of ready.
and holy shit i am going to miss you so much
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| it's just after two in the morning and it's not as though i can't sleep
or don't want to sleep or anything
i could
and i kind of do, still warm and happy from sweet goodnights
but i've been building up
and building up
all these words that i kind of meant to write down.
(not that i'm writing them, no, it's much easier to type, goes quicker, comes more easily)
it's summer time again
and i haven't written very much from last summer to this summer
but i have that same summer sick feeling
deep in my stomach
and on my periphery
just weighing in a little bit all the while about how nothing's gonna be the same
and how summer is always ugly stupid transitions and worry about how the next fall
may or may not turn out.
i'm not excited
but i'm confident, and i'm very very poignantly aware
of how necessary
this all is.
like i usually am, with excess perspective to pass around,
but it's not exactly something anybody wants
to take off my hands and share with me.
i'm ready to cut and run, to give up and be clean and start over,
to stop trying and spinning my tires
and do something different.
it's been god knows how long since i liked anything for my self.
and it's not like i'm
and it's not like i'm
okay, maybe i'm just that martyred, just that deluded that i can fall through the cracks (but just with some people)
and yet stay strapped to others,
and i know that can't happen
and i know i know i know you can't have it both ways
but i need new bridges to build
and sure, i'll set them alight
eventually
but i'm all out of clean uncharred rope
so i need to go find some new
supplies.
summer is still that sticky humiliation
the same that it always was ever since
i got back from cheer camp
(ignored by the people my age,
mommy to everybody younger,
saved the day,
took care of the little girls who'd never been away from home
for more than half the night)
got back from cheer camp and
turned into a woman,
knowledgeable and cocky
but never quite prepared.
i never got to wear that goddamned bikini
and still haven't,
still on the upswing,
still on the positive correlation
of daysmonthsandyears to rounded edges
and uneasy curves,
and i never had the spiky hipbones that i wanted,
to dig into the people i danced with,
and the smooth shoulders,
and the pretty stomach,
but fuck you.
i'm built like motherfucking aphrodite.
and you like me because i'm not sharp, because i feel good to lean against,
because my lap is comfy and my shoulders are good to lay down on,
and my tits are unassuming,
but there is nothing like the way they feel,
bare and pressed into the skin of your chest.
and i don't hurt you, sitting on your lap, because
my ass is not bony.
no i am not the girl from off the cover of seventeen,
but she will not crack the wicked jokes that i will,
and she will not laugh into the space between your legs
with her eyes flashing
and ask you to hold back her hair.
or fuck it.
maybe she will.
but the most gratifying thing in the world is that
you haven't bothered to find out,
and you say you aren't planning on it.
now don't get me wrong.
it's not like i wouldn't bang her too,
eye contact grinning between you and me,
alienating better than anything else
as we pretended to let somebody else in.
but that? that's just bitter,
that's just insecure,
that's just me still worrying
despite your promises and darling darling assurance
because
well
you know me.
and i know you want to try, cocky and smirking,
and i know they want you,
and i know the best i can do is dare you
to do your worst, because how cool is that,
if you could get them,
but you still came home to me?
i want to be your family.
i want to occupy your space and keep making conversation
just you and me
indefinitely.
i want to live a life alongside you and help you make things for dinner.
i want to fold your clothes.
i don't want to fight about holidays with yours or mine.
(but i will if i have to.)
i want to breathe the sweet air out of your mouth and get dizzy with love or asphyxiation,
and i want to kiss you with my whole entire body wrapping close and tight
and i don't want you to let go.
i really, really don't.
i want to fall asleep at night listening to you trying to breathe quietly so you can hear me breathe.
i want to wake up next to you in much the same way.
the future makes my head spin, makes me motion-sick.
i see pictures of my grandparents in wedding clothes younger than we are.
i see my parents in swimsuits, brown and smiling, barely older.
i see stupid happy people, ungrateful and oblivious, living lives they barely deserve,
just because they can,
because it's easy,
when all the earnest hoping in the world can't stand up to
the absurd obstacles we've set for ourselves.
but i don't say that.
because i think it can and i think we can and oh my god i hope we do
and i'm tearing up right fucking now because i get so
caught
up
in how much i want to be part of you,
and look at each other in the mirror smiling with our toothbrushes
and silly underwear and light eyes,
and your freckles and my scars
and our matching skintones and parallel smirks.
i don't even know what else to say.
you're my best thing.
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| and i know it! and i feel good about it!
i will spend my next four years at the kansas city art institute. and it will be wonderful. i'm so glad i can finally breathe and not break down at the very idea of time passing! it's so nice to be able to picture myself SOMEWHERE when i look into the future. god. suuuuuuuch a relief. and kcai reaaaaallly wants me. i'm gonna be an ambassador for more scholarship moneys. apparently i really embody their mission or something. but i feel good about this.
w00t!
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| happy pi day. last year today i was excited about something that i already regret. this year today i am still excited about something that i know i will never regret.
love is wondrous strange, tangled up and sticky and laughing.
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